It’s an old adage that experiences make us happier than physical things. But knowing is not the same as doing. One area this is all too apparent is when it comes to choosing where to live. You might think that how a home looks is vital to how happy you are living in it. Wrong! The experience of a living space is far more important than its appearance.
…When we think that the way a building looks will dictate our experience living in it, we are mistaking the map for the territory. Architectural flourishes soon fade into the background. What matters is the day-to-day experience of living there, when relationships matter much more than how things look. Proximity to friends is a higher predictor of happiness than charming old brick.
I generally don’t think happiness is the right thing to optimize for, because I think it should be a key performance indicator, as opposed to the end goal itself, but regardless I appreciated the discussion around the psychology of what we gravitate towards — how we place an emphasis on how we think things should/will be vs how they actually are in practice.
I think there’s a similar analog when it comes to friendships/relationships in that we desire certain qualities in others (because we expect those qualities to result in compatibility/happiness), but don’t value enough the actual experiences of being with others. For example, you might say “I want to be with someone physically attractive and intelligent,” and then end up with someone with those qualities, but have terrible interactions with them, and stick with it because you think those interactions will change over time (not that they can’t…it’s more that people don’t change easily). The honeymoon period in a relationship only serves for you to hold on longer to the fantasy in your mind, rather than face the reality unfolding. The reality is we are optimizing for the wrong targets.
Recently, I re-entered the dating world — it’s been a long time since I’ve been on a first date. I’ve been carefully considering what matters, but I know that I fall victim to the things vs experiences disconnect, in that I prioritize certain qualities in an individual, rather than trying to objectively evaluate the experiences of being with a person — not that it’s easy to objectively evaluate something so subjective. I realize that makes me sound like a robot…
In reflection, this means that there were friends in the past in which we probably would have been great together in terms of dating, but either I or they were prioritizing certain qualities we wanted in a significant other, perhaps without acknowledging the close friendship / positive experiences developed.
How do we prevent this failure to handle expectations vs reality? We can attempt to be mindful and that’s a great first step, but this is where community comes into play, in my humble opinion. Trusted friends can help provide you the feedback of “you guys work really well as a team.” When I see “successful” relationships, there’s a sense of them being a team, really supporting each other, and the way they talk about each other when the other is not around — you can tell they’re filled with gratitude. In one of my past relationships, my ex admitted to me that she only complained about me to her friends — I’m pretty sure I did the same in a different relationship, though I don’t think that’s productive anymore. These were signs that something was wrong, and it’s helpful to have loving community that can speak truth into these matters (sometimes you have to ask for this feedback though — I now realize I never asked for it enough). Without community, we are operating in a void.
If you are looking for community, feel free to reach out — happy to chat!
Stichomythia 